What's Shame got to do with it?
Let's talk about Shame!
As I sunk into an episode this week of eating too many sugary snacks especially chocolate after dinner and mega beating myself up, I want to talk about Shame because it plays a big part in sabotaging our best intentions and keeping us stuck.
Shame will stop you in your tracks, lead to secret late-night or whatever time of the day or night bingeing or any action you deem to be shameful that you don't want anyone to know about.
Whatever it is, it's ALL done in shame! Shame is the lowest vibration of all the emotions (omega consciousness scale), guilt being one gage higher. Why? Because guilt is when we feel bad about something we've done or not done and shame is when we feel bad about ourselves. There's a big difference. One is about our behaviour, the other is about us personally.
Shame = low self-worth. How ashamed or shameful you feel will determine the level of self-worth you have.
How much self-worth you have will determine how much you love yourself and how confidently you show up in the world
Shame wants you to keep secrets. It wants to be hidden, to stay in the dark. So to address any feelings of shame, we need to bring it out into the light. Tricky when it's part of our shadow-self ie; the part of us that's hidden or buried. But remember you can't have light without dark and you can't have dark without light. So let's not shame shame hey!! Let's face it head on.
Where does your Shame sit?
What behaviour are you hiding?
What don't you want anyone to know about?
Because as long as you keep this part of you hidden, it will be able to sabotage you. It will be able to jump out at you, surprise you.
Let's take me as an example. I love chocolate. When I start wanting the children to be in bed (they're not really children, one is 14 and the other is 23, currently residing at home) so I can secretly eat more chocolate, I know that Shame is winning. I know that my self-worth is on the floor in that moment. That I want to cover up some not so nice feelings and I don't want anyone to know about it. It means I don't feel in control. It means I'm in fear. Life doesn't feel like it's going the way I want it to so I'm using food to numb me. These feelings can be triggered by a number of negative thoughts and beliefs I have about myself and my life in that moment, all rooted in the past which is why our inner work is a must.
Do the Inner work
What do I mean by inner work?
I mean not ignoring the symptoms but not shaming them either so you feel even worse.
Owning your negative behaviour yes, like excessive snacking, excessive working, excessive people-pleasing (saying yes), excessive porn, excessive drinking, excessive exercise etc. And acknowledging the reason/s you're being excessive.
It means stopping and getting quiet using whichever method you find most helpful. This could be journalling, meditation, time in nature, playing soft music, talking to a trusted friend - anything that connects you to yourself however uncomfortable this feels.
Bringing awareness to how you're feeling is crucial for change and this means stopping and facing yourself with compassion, gently and kindly
Remove the judgement
It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with chocolate, porn, alcohol etc. in the right context. In other words, when it feels intuitively right to have or do something. We all know that feeling don't we? That calm, joyful feeling where everything feels aligned and the choice being made adds to that feeling.
But there are also those moments when you know intuitively you've got into a repeated action that's not healthy or helpful long-term. This is when you know instinctively that to take another bite of that chocolate or sip another glass of wine is not going to be helpful and worse, is going to add to the disdain, the shame you have for yourself. This is not about the chocolate or the wine. Those are symptoms. Let's not label food/drink and other activities as bad or good. Let's focus on the heart of the matter. The need to connect back to yourself. In other words, feel love.
You've missed the nudges and warning signs my friend when you get to the stage of self-sabotage. I do it too as you can see. No matter! Put those practices back in that help you get back on track. Those small daily rituals that reconnect you back such as asking yourself, 'what do I want? What do I need? How can I be there for myself and love myself again? How can I be my own best friend? I've done it before. And later, I do a download of how I've gone down the rabbit hole of self-blame and self-shame again and how I can let go of the past.
Calming and soothing and self-honouring is needed in these moments
Recognise this? Then try this:
Breathe.
Find a time to connect to yourself and honour what's going on for you.
Know that these feelings aren't random. They are rooted in your past and need healing and transmuting into thoughts and feelings that serve your present and your future. They are here to teach you something very profound about yourself if you can take a moment to calm that inner critic down. I often picture pulling a cosy duvet over his head and stroking him saying, 'it's ok,' in a calm and soothing voice.
With Shame, I picture a small dark figure turning to look at me with mischief in his eye, as if to say, 'haha, I've won again and you feel really bad. Yep, he's a real meany, and off he scurries gleefully down the street.
What a darling not hey!
But before he can get too far down that street, I grab him gently but firmly by the scruff of the neck and turn him towards me. He doesn't like that. He doesn't like being held to account, held in the light and I bring him close to me and keep him close and eventually pull him towards my chest. 'Enough,' I say, 'I've got you' and I keep him close to my heart. 'You are staying right here,' I say to him. And his power melts away. He knows that with love, he is powerless, he is overcome and a new day begins.
Now you may need to do this over and over again. 'Rome wasn't built in a day' as I say often. These are learned behaviours often passed down through the generations and if you're a woman, you may experience it also because of the thousands of years of submission under patriarchy, now changing thankfully.
Your Inner critic
Our inner critic plays havoc in our lives, undermining our best intentions, thinking its keeping us safe but its actually keeping us small instead
Here's how Elizabeth Gilbert talks to her inner critic/fear in her book, Big Magic:
“There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still—your suggestions will never be followed.”
“You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the roadmaps; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you’re not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”
If toxic emotions of guilt, fear and shame are present in your life, I hope this has helped and if it's time you get help to release them more fully so you can step into your power and be the force you've always wanted to be, check out my programs and individual sessions on offer here.
As always, sending you a huge hug as you navigate the often stormy waters of this earthly life,
Sophie xox